The Justin Bieber Biopic… Help!

So you’d better run as far away as possible from that screen so that you don’t have to expose yourself to this at all. I think the camp is very much divided when it comes to Justin Bieber: there’s the people who love him to bits and scream in his tiny prescence and then there’s the rest of us, wondering just what the world has come to. You don’t need to ask what camp I fall into. After all, I won’t have anyone expose me to this:

Urgh, I suddenly feel so dirty. Seriously, who would want to listen to this kind of sugary twee-pop all day every day? The boy isn’t even out of puberty yet – but maybe that’s what makes him so attractive to a string of tweenagers who need to be corrected with some good music rather than this generic, faceless stuff.

Perhaps the most shocking twist in this whole escapade though is the fact that a biopic of Bieber has been commissioned. And he’s going to star as himself. Hmm, there’s something not quite right about this. Bieber was born in 1994… we’re in the year 2010…. hmmm…. Egads! He’s 16 years old! And he’s getting a biopic! This is quite simply madness. This is worse than… bad. See? I’m so fuming I can’t even find good words to describe this.

Stop smiling Bieber! We know this is all part of your seemingly cute but actually very eeeevil plan for world domination! Look at him, there’s no way there’s enough stuff in his past to drag up and present in a movie? According to his wikipedia page, Bieber’s mum was 18 when she had him and raised him as a single parent, working many low-paid jobs. So we have the “struggle against hard circumstances” scenario all wrapped up. But other than that there’s very little to flesh out a feature-length movie. Unless you want to drag all the haters into this and show how Bieber has “struggled” against the tide of people who’ve tried to put him down.

More than anything though, Hollywood must be desperate if they want to produce this. At least with the Hannah Montana movie, Miley Cyrus and her alter-ego were well-established and had been around for a while. Bieber has barely surfaced above the waves in the way that Cyrus had. Of course, this is all just a way to get money from fickle pre-teens who will no doubt move on to another fad a few months, so we’ll have to milk him for all he’s worth now.

Still, there must be plenty of people out there who think the same as me: Bieber is just far too young for this to happen!