Teenage Vampires? No Thanks

5 Jul

Tweenagers, get your pointy sticks, pitchforks and great balls of fire out because I have a revelation, albeit probably not a very surprising one to anyone who actually reads this blog… but hey, it doesn’t mean someone won’t lynch me for this anyway: I don’t like Twilight.

There, I said it! I don’t like Twilight for a number of reasons, and this is just one of them:

Yeah, the trailer… don’t get me started on the Eclipse trailer. To be honest, I wouldn’t know where to start: should it be with the fact that they’re trying to create a dark and “bloody” atmosphere by using red writing that kind of fades into the screen instead of doing something far more dynamic? Or should it be the fact that it’s constantly gloomy in Forks and perhaps if it was a little more sunny there then everyone wouldn’t be suffering from seasonal affective disorder?

Of course, these are just trifles compared to the main bugbears. For a start, how come Taylor Lautner can’t seem to keep his shirt on even in the chilliest of conditions. Bearing in mind what I’ve already said about the climate in Forks, you’d think he’d catch his own death in all that soaking water and fog. I guess that’s the advantage of being a werewolf, or wahtever. I’m not stupid, I know it’s just to get the feeble pulses of tweenagers racing but do we really need that much exposure? So he beefed up, big deal! On the positive side he’s not some sort of brooding guy with windswept hair… Yes, I’m talking about Edward, the goodie-goodie vampire who the other half of tweenagers who are not in love with Taylor Lautner are actually in love with…

But really the main thing that gets my goat is the “heroine” who basically doesn’t do an awful lot in amongst all the strange wars between mythical races that happen in Twilight… Bella Swan. Bella Swan. God help us all. I think in this day and age we could find a better role model for tweenage girls than Bella Swan. After all, this is a girl who is in emotional turmoil because she can’t pick between two guys who have impossibly toned abs, giving the audience three unrealistic objectives: firstly that they would ever have that choice (well, they may have a choice, but surely not between those two types), that they should rely on a guy rather than picking up a pitchfork and fending off angry vampires themselves and finally that you should be an emotional wreck for all the latter part of your teenage years.

What a load of rubbish. The books give off the strange sense that you should wait until marriage before having sex (and to the best of my knowledge Edward and Bella get hitched, before he hurts her during their first intercourse and then the baby eats her from the inside) yet the films seethe with sexual energy. Contradictions, people?

Oh what’s the use? People are still going to see it, they’ll still love it and scream wildly at the sight of their heroes, and feel a bit jealous of Kristen Stewart (and may I say that she has the best emotional range I’ve seen in ages: she can go from tense to brooding to shocked all in one move: a single pout of her lips. Does sarcasm come off very well in print?) Still I feel as if I’ve got something off my chest here, and hopefully some of you will agree with me about this. Twilight is a load of hooey.

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2 Responses to “Teenage Vampires? No Thanks”

  1. hannahfergesen July 13, 2010 at 2:38 pm #

    I completely 100% agree. I have ranted about this on several occasions and I am met with a whole lot of boohoo-ing. Twilight is a terrible model for girls. It tells them to be domestic, compliant, and meek, so that the stalker-ish and verbally abusive men can take care of them. Ugh!

  2. Pie July 25, 2010 at 8:21 pm #

    “Twilight is a load of hooey,” Is the correct statement.

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